Monday, June 11, 2007

the salty sweetness of carpet

Beth Moore describes it as laying prostrate on the floor. I call it face time. It's the time I spend laying on my face.
It isn't a new exercise regiment. I'm not playing dead. And I don't find comfort in smashing my nose into the floor and chewing on my carpet fibers. It's less of a physical reaction and more like a spiritual destination. It's the end of it. The end of all of it. The end of me.
I've been there a few times over the last year or so, and carpet isn't all that tasty. Trust me. Leaves me wanting.
It isn't comfortable, attractive, or a stupid human trick. It's a revelation, a realization, an acceptance. It's coming to the reality of yourself and your abilities. It's the end of ego.
This is the moment you find yourself at the end of all the stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. If I could rewrite them, I'd slip an addendum between depression and acceptance, and I'd call it face time: A fun little trip to self-awareness and reality acceptance where you literally drop to the floor because standing takes more than you've got. This is where I mumble my sincerest of prayers, into that flavorful cut pile rug. And possible, this is the only place I finally shut up long enough to hear any answers.
It isn't that God only speaks from the ground. He doesn't settle to the floor like aerosol air freshener. He's everywhere at all times. At the top of a mountain. At the base of the pit. He can be reached while sitting peacefully by the lake or standing in the center of Mardi Gras.
But I hear him better in the carpet. Down prostrate on the floor. Face stuck into the ground. That's as low as I can get. From there, the only direction to go is up.
Does that mean God is only satisfied when we're broken? He doesn't move until we've sunk to the bottom? He likes watching us grovel?
No.
The truth is, it isn't until we run out of ourselves, when the tank is empty, the engine no longer sputtering, and no life left when we turn the key, that we seek to be filled by God. It isn't until then, until our face time, we stop looking around for our answer and start looking up.
Just make sure to vacuum regularly.

2 comments:

kristin said...

turning the key... reminds me of this GREAT LOST episode from season 3... okay, i'll shut up.

Jason said...

This is usually how Life is you know. Weigh all your options, then if nothing else works, turn to God.