Friday, June 27, 2008

Irregular quotes

Tara Lynn Thompson on Honesty in Medicine:

I recently went with a friend to the hospital. After examining her, here is what the doctor said, "I'm prescribing you some medication. After taking it, you will have terrible insomnia and won't sleep. Your strength will vanish. Life will feel like it is leaving you. You won't remember your own name. And because of swelling, you won't recognize your own face. Don't even try to eat, it won't stay down. Your joints will swell and you'll feel like Pinocchio before he became a 'real boy' and had rusty hinges for knees. You'll carry a brick around in your sinuses and your head may feel like exploding. You might want to warn your neighbors or any small children in the area because you'll be covered in a rash and acne. A suicide watch should be held around the clock. And if you stop taking it once you start, you'll pray a bus runs you down in cold blood. But you won't have a sore throat anymore. That should get better in about a week."
Actually, they said something like, "I'll write you a prescription for Prednisone."

For Kristin. May you never fill another prescription.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Endangering the species of men

I was told not long ago
by a female, friend, or foe
about the paradox of men
those hairy specimen

What they've lost and we can't find
A strength of character and mind
Leadership and heart combined
Someone wise and smart and kind

A timeless male of truth and grit
who tackles jobs and doesn't quit
He bares his teeth and stands his ground
and into dust injustice he'll pound

But instead, said she
we have a wannabe
not masculine or tough
but overly tanned and buff

their hair styled right
their teeth stark white
no overbite
their shirt too tight

She had a point, I must admit
the description too easily fit
men concerned with clothes and hair
worried by hangnails and skin too fair

Sipping coffee in their sandaled feet
wearing an ensemble complete
only sweating while in a gym
with the air controlled and the women thin

What to do, I really didn't know
But should on your path a metro show
Comment on their manicured toe
When they look down, go, go, go.

The Independent: Men effeminate due to fashion, says Kazakhstan President's daughter

Monday, June 23, 2008

The great and powerful OZ

(image from Warner Bros.)

The brilliance of the Wizard
(and a few general instructions thrown in)

- If there is a perfectly bricked yellow road, devoid of traffic and chewing gum, walk on it.
- When needing an excuse to do what you want, try "because, because, because, because, because."
- If going for a long hike across country, wear red, glittery high heels.
- Mapquest before traveling over the rainbow.
- Friends made of tin won't enjoy just singing in the rain.
- Never use the expression, "When monkeys fly," because they might.
- Skipping with your friends is a heart-healthy way to bond.
- Before crossing the street, look for motor vehicles and falling houses.
- If you take the shoes off a dead witch, make sure she's the only witch in the neighborhood.
- When pulled over for speeding, simply ask the officer, "Why, oh why, can't I?"
- You should never talk to strangers, unless they are made of straw, tin, or very curly hair.
- Take heart whenever it is offered.
- When trying to find yourself, check where troubles melt like lemondrops. If not there, check way above the chimney tops.
- Even without a brain, you can have good friends and a pretty girl.
- Hide behind a curtain, people never look there.
- If self-conscious about your size, add the word "great" to your name.
- People with green faces can never be trusted.
- Aquafina can be refreshing, as well as deadly. Drink responsibly.
- When crowds of people break into song and dance, there's no place like home.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Living the Dream

Most people, when asked what they'd do with a large sum of money, say something like "take a vacation" or "buy a house" or even "pay off my bills." I'm not really into any of those things. I don't have money and I already take vacations, even if it means a good book, stretchy pants, and ten uninterrupted hours on my couch. I also have a home and, oddly enough, I usually even pay my bills. Well...most of the time.
If I had money, I'd do it differently. First, I'd drive 75 mph to Sam's Club, because fuel efficiency is for poor people. I'd go inside and purchase a Sam's membership, because using a friend's membership is for poor people. And I'd buy a container of blackberries, even though poor people can't afford $5 for 18 ounces of fruit.
Then I'd eat them.

The end.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

My Happily Ever After

Today, I was the server for the open bar at my friends nuptials. At last, a wedding that was all about me.

Friday, June 6, 2008

I Heart Libraries

I made a new friend the other day - a Nigerian doctor here on a visa. He has decided to stay in Tulsa, Oklahoma for two reasons - racketball and the completely free, completely public, completely incredible library system.
What excuses do we use for a lack of education? I never know that one.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

The Next Season of Reality TV

For a little variety in reality television, a few ideas:

- The Amazing Waste: make garbage and litter, but do it quickly and in specific places.

- Prescriber: take these pills, if you survive, you move to higher prescriptions.

- So you think you can Stance: people stand around perfectly still. Until they start to drop.

- American Idle: do nothing. someone will enjoy watching.

- The Batchmaker: 25 girls bake cookies, one man eats the cookies.

- Smear Factor: take gooey substances, like pudding, smearing them on objects in a scary way.

- America's Next Pot Caudal: animals placed in a room filled with marijuana smoke. then judged on how well they walk.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Truth in Dentistry

There's a local dentist who is constantly romoted by local celebrities. The gist of the ads is how going to a dentist doesn't have to be unpleasant anymore. As I sat inside my dentist's office, under the glaring light, cotton shoved under my tongue, a sucking tube stuck in my mouth, and my dentist shoving a needle into my gums, I couldn't help but wonder, how the hell do you make this pleasant?

I'm tall. And I'm tough on crime.

My brother told me once God made me tall because my husband would be tall. I think God made me tall so I couldn't be mugged by short guys.