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Monday, June 23, 2008

The great and powerful OZ

(image from Warner Bros.)

The brilliance of the Wizard
(and a few general instructions thrown in)


- If there is a perfectly bricked yellow road, devoid of traffic and chewing gum, walk on it.
- When needing an excuse to do what you want, try "because, because, because, because, because."
- If going for a long hike across country, wear red, glittery high heels.
- Mapquest before traveling over the rainbow.
- Friends made of tin won't enjoy just singing in the rain.
- Never use the expression, "When monkeys fly," because they might.
- Skipping with your friends is a heart-healthy way to bond.
- Before crossing the street, look for motor vehicles and falling houses.
- If you take the shoes off a dead witch, make sure she's the only witch in the neighborhood.
- When pulled over for speeding, simply ask the officer, "Why, oh why, can't I?"
- You should never talk to strangers, unless they are made of straw, tin, or very curly hair.
- Take heart whenever it is offered.
- When trying to find yourself, check where troubles melt like lemondrops. If not there, check way above the chimney tops.
- Even without a brain, you can have good friends and a pretty girl.
- Hide behind a curtain, people never look there.
- If self-conscious about your size, add the word "great" to your name.
- People with green faces can never be trusted.
- Aquafina can be refreshing, as well as deadly. Drink responsibly.
- When crowds of people break into song and dance, there's no place like home.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Living the Dream

Most people, when asked what they'd do with a large sum of money, say something like "take a vacation" or "buy a house" or even "pay off my bills." I'm not really into any of those things. I don't have money and I already take vacations, even if it means a good book, stretchy pants, and ten uninterrupted hours on my couch. I also have a home and, oddly enough, I usually even pay my bills. Well...most of the time.
If I had money, I'd do it differently. First, I'd drive 75 mph to Sam's Club, because fuel efficiency is for poor people. I'd go inside and purchase a Sam's membership, because using a friend's membership is for poor people. And I'd buy a container of blackberries, even though poor people can't afford $5 for 18 ounces of fruit.
Then I'd eat them.

The end.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

My Happily Ever After

Today, I was the server for the open bar at my friends nuptials. At last, a wedding that was all about me.

Friday, June 6, 2008

I Heart Libraries

I made a new friend the other day - a Nigerian doctor here on a visa. He has decided to stay in Tulsa, Oklahoma for two reasons - racketball and the completely free, completely public, completely incredible library system.
What excuses do we use for a lack of education? I never know that one.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

The Next Season of Reality TV

For a little variety in reality television, a few ideas:

- The Amazing Waste: make garbage and litter, but do it quickly and in specific places.

- Prescriber: take these pills, if you survive, you move to higher prescriptions.

- So you think you can Stance: people stand around perfectly still. Until they start to drop.

- American Idle: do nothing. someone will enjoy watching.

- The Batchmaker: 25 girls bake cookies, one man eats the cookies.

- Smear Factor: take gooey substances, like pudding, smearing them on objects in a scary way.

- America's Next Pot Caudal: animals placed in a room filled with marijuana smoke. then judged on how well they walk.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Truth in Dentistry

There's a local dentist who is constantly romoted by local celebrities. The gist of the ads is how going to a dentist doesn't have to be unpleasant anymore. As I sat inside my dentist's office, under the glaring light, cotton shoved under my tongue, a sucking tube stuck in my mouth, and my dentist shoving a needle into my gums, I couldn't help but wonder, how the hell do you make this pleasant?

I'm tall. And I'm tough on crime.

My brother told me once God made me tall because my husband would be tall. I think God made me tall so I couldn't be mugged by short guys.