Don't despise criticism. Despise the absence of it.

Take six months, he said. Enroll in some grammar classes. Start fresh and relearn the craft. My fiction writing had creativity. And humor. And timing. What it didn't have yet, he said, was the technical chops to be taken seriously.

Yeah. That hurt.

This was an assessment I received years ago after a New York Times best-selling author critiqued a few pages from one of my initial manuscripts. The advice put me back five years in publishing my first fiction novel. It caused me to second guess every sentence I wrote. It made me paranoid about comma usage. It created doubt about my talent. It unearthed serious insecurities about my career choice.

Man, I owe him.

The war on words.

Telling the hard truth isn't popular these days. Nor is questioning certain sacred cows. There are people, ideas, even opinions in our culture that are not to be criticized or tested. Doing so is borderline illegal. Unless you're in Canada and question Islam, then there is no borderline. It's just plain illegal.

Welcome to the age of settled science, hate speech, and safe spaces: all terms used conveniently to silence all questions, doubt, and opposing opinions.

I don't know where this idea started that certain people, ideas, and beliefs couldn't be questioned. Who decided which ones get coddled? And which don't? What makes these people, ideas, and beliefs so fragile they can't survive doubt? And wouldn't treating them like a namby-pamby be considered soft criticism?

Someone needs to issue a public apology. Stat.

Desperately seeking adulthood. 

I don't think I grew up in a bubble, but maybe I did. In my formative years, the one thing you didn't want was to be treated like a child. Not even when you were one.

That meant accepting constructive criticism, instruction, even punishment and correction with emotional maturity. It also meant dealing with different viewpoints, not always getting your way, never being a sore loser, and, yes, having your ideas and beliefs questioned.

This was the normal path to adulthood.

And we're not talking Medieval Times here people. It was the 80s. Earning respect meant you had to have the gumption and strength to withstand criticism, even when it wasn't constructive.

Tough words are for the tough.

My author friend, the one with the harsh rebuke, actually paid me the ultimate compliment. He treated me like an equal.

He didn't pander, pat me consolingly on the head, and lie about keeping up the good work so I'd feel accepted.

Instead, he questioned me where I needed questioned and challenged me where I didn't know I needed challenged. His words weren't easy, but they were respectful. He knew my fortitude was, or would have to be, strong enough to withstand being questioned and criticized.

Appeasement would have been an insult; rebuke gave me dignity.  

If I were a Muslim in Canada, I'd be so offended right now.

Time to Grow Up. And Disagree.

I concentrated on the salad. The conversation happening I wanted no part of. The salad, on the other hand, wasn't half bad.

It was during a recent work luncheon where the conversation had moved into politics. The mostly millennials sitting around me began discussing the political candidate they hated most and, should they get the opportunity, how to best kill this person.

Smothering was one option. Shooting another. Death by any means necessary seemed to be the joke of choice.

Oh look! A crouton.

I wanted to chalk it up to their youth. But, it had nothing to do with age and everything to do with an intolerance for an opposing viewpoint. And it has no age limit.

Infighting

We can't agree to disagree anymore. A mob mentality has taken hold and, minus the crayons and milk mustaches, our political society resembles a kindergarten class.

Except kindergarteners stop fighting long enough to enjoy recess.

We appear to desire a society with one and only one opinion: our own. Otherwise, shut up or I'll shut you up. Generations earlier called that communism. By all reports, it wasn't the utopian initially believed.

What good do we do anyone, including ourselves, when our beliefs are never challenged? If what we believe is so weak it can't take criticism, we shouldn't believe it anymore.

Yes, them's fightin' words.

Bob and Weave

Being challenged with opposing viewpoints will either cause us to rethink our position or realize our position's weaknesses and strengths. It's healthy. It's strengthening. It takes maturity. And it's time to grow up and disagree.

Respecting a different opinion than our own is a necessary characteristic for any kind of success:

Want to be a good manager?
Allow your subordinates the freedom to express reservations about your new ideas.

Want to grow your audience base?
Listen for the need you aren't fulfilling.

Want to develop your craft?
Be open to constructive criticism from valid sources.

Want a close relationship with your family and friends?
Let them express an opinion different than yours without combativeness.

Caught cold

Years ago, a friend of mine was dating the man she would eventually marry. For the first several months of their relationship, they never disagreed. Not on anything. And, as time went on, they believed this would be the norm for them: two people in perfect harmony never challenging each other.

Hardy har.

Eventually, of course, they disagreed. My girlfriend never looked more upset. I, on the other hand, couldn't stop smiling.

She wasn't amused.

"Why are you happy about this? Do you want us to fight?"

"Yep." For the first time since they started dating, I believed those two crazy kids might actually make it. "You're going to disagree at some point. More than once. It was always inevitable. Now you can figure out how to disagree and still keep communicating."

They both love me, by the way, which speaks far more of their forbearance than my loveliness.

Neutral Corner

Accepting and working through diversity of thought takes patience, wisdom, maturity, and far more out of us than shutting up all dissenters. That only takes being a bully.

So go out there. Find someone you can't stand talking to and talk to them. Listen. Take deep breaths. You don't have to agree. You don't have to even understand. Just listen without anger. Be considerate. Respect that their opinion is different, even if you can't imagine why.

Maybe, if you do, they will one day be willing to listen to you, too. And treat you with the same respect.

If not, try to stop arguing long enough to enjoy recess.